First, before anything else, set aside $150. Why, you may ask? So that if all of the following advice fails you then you can purchase 1k followers on a janky app. Before you continue your rise to stardom, you’ll need to consider which persona you want to assume. If you want to give off the hipster, bible, chill-and-effortless-quirky-but-in-a-cool-way vibe then follow these simple and easy steps:
You’ll want to throw out your entire wardrobe, head on over to Madewell and purchase seven of the exact same sweater in different colors, four to six gold stack rings, leather flats, one canvas bag dress, wayfarers, a headwrap that’s been used, and a handful of scoop neck graphic tees from the thrift store. You’ll probably want to consider a nose piercing, but then change your mind, but pierce one ear at least six times and everyday go for the bare-face-no-makeup look consisting of light brown eyeshadow only.
It’s imperative that you attend at least one function held in a backyard with a band led by a cool-chill-I-just-learned-guitar-guy, and you should 100% be barefoot, and it only counts if there are string lights hanging. It’s also vital that you purchase a small wooden stool at Craftwork Coffee, emboss your name on it, and take a picture of your Matcha latte and handwritten quote there every morning. Own Birkenstocks, the two-strap kind obviously. Lastly, it’s very important that you look extremely happy, one would say joyful, in every single Instagram photo so I recommend either being funny or practicing your fake laugh in the mirror. Miss a step and you’re out for the count, you have hefty competition but we all believe in you. Regardless, we’ll all unfollow you eventually.
This secondary persona includes the daddy-endorsed, glam barbie. Much less effort than the I’m-not-trying hipster, this persona can easily be spotted at University Park Starbucks or Sephora or Clearfork taking a photoshoot or HG drinking wine. It’s mandatory that your clothing be black, tan, or blush pink. Hermès belts, Gucci slides, knee-high-I-wanna-be-Ariana-Grande boots, and fake eyelashes and/or lips are all common accessories of the glam girl. You’ll be off to a decent start with already a couple thousand followers but maintaining the glam will require some effort once you’re among a gaggle of TCU girls in line at Varsity on a Saturday night. Simply maintain a daily insta-story of morning mimosas and afternoon happy hours with the occasional non-celebratory pop of champagne on a Wednesday and you’ll be halfway there. Vaping is necessary but only without judgment when you’re going out. Weekly throwback picture of you in a bikini for no reason other than quoting “Take me back” are a must. Make sure you eat but nobody actually ever sees you eating, it’s important to maintain some mystery; for example, post boomerangs of your food daily but NEVER of you eating it. You should own a plain black baseball hat and a membership to Zyn22. If you don’t know how to use VSCO you’re out. Done. That’s it. Good luck, silicon kills.