Bachelor Recap Prior To Hometowns By Isabella Nucci

First things first. Kirpa, how the hell did you make it this far?

Also, Never-Been-Kissed/Has-Been-Kissed how did you make it longer than Alabama-Hannah? I do not understand but the train ride back alone looked very sad. Also, it’s been seven (?) weeks and I’m still waiting to see if Colton runs off with Chris Harrison, or any male for that matter, because I’m just. Not. Sure. Sorry.

The week in Denver following the Thai-Disaster-Week was equally horrible and girls went from happy and petty to dropping like flies. Demi left after sharing her first phone call with her now prison-free mother with Colton so that’s awkward that that was the last thing they shared but on the plus side there is a 100 percent guarantee that Demi will be on Paradise, I’m here for it, and I’m hoping that Jordan from last season is, too.

Colton and the non-Alabama-Hannah went and got Thai-massages but to be frank the place looked a little sketch, low-budget, and a little unclean, and all they really did was shower together for what seemed like HOURS and take a mud bath that looked like a yeast infection waiting to happen, geez Hannah.

Colton also went ahead and sent home a girl whose name I never tried to remember along with the self-destructive NBA dancer who sent herself home after spiraling into the “I’m not getting enough time” temper-tantrum. Demi, the NBA one, and the other one made a trifecta, the perfect image of the twisted sisters straight outta Macbeth giving Colton the same warning about some girls not being there “for the right reasons” or ready for marriage.

Colton cried in his vlog and asked if he was missing something… surprised no one asked him to consider the fact that half of the girls he had left were around the age of 21, so it’s safe to say he could go ahead and assume who isn’t ready for marriage, but we’ll just sit here and wait for him to figure it out himself apparently. Which he never does. And Kirpa still lasted longer than literally over 20 women so cheers to the dental assistant with the mysterious chin injury??? That was apparently stitches and then apparently it was just gone? Okay, Kirpa, I see you in the Dillard’s lace dress. Let’s not forget that while Miss North Carolina thinks she’s got this thing in the bag she should probably remind herself that she didn’t win Miss USA. Once a runner-up… always a bachelorette?

All of this to say, I have been waiting since the FIRST week to see Colton jump this freaking fence. At this point, I’m literally only concerned to see why he goes all Hercules on us and clears an 8-foot wall. I almost, almost, forgot he was an ex-NFL (he won’t say it but he only played on the practice squad) football player, except for when they show his shirtless body showering in between every single date card and you see his bubbly-I-probably-take-roids-muscles. Here’s to hoping Cassie wins, and if not, looking forward to seeing Colton cry his confused-self through another season of Paradise.