“Professors Are Doing Everything They Can to Help SuperFrog Finally Graduate” by Jack Moraglia

         The year was 1979. Jimmy Carter was president, My Sharona by The Knack was the top song on the charts, and Maroon Five’s Adam Levine was born. This was also the year SuperFrog started attendance at TCU. He’s been trying to earn his diploma ever since.

         It’s not that SuperFrog isn’t smart. He’s a logistical mastermind, somehow showing up at every sporting event, often appearing to be in two places at once. However, despite his brilliance, SuperFrog has struggled to succeed in the classroom. Now, professors are doing everything they can to help SuperFrog finally graduate.

         One of SuperFrog’s problems is that he has constantly changed his major over the past 40 years. He began as an environmental science major, hoping to do his part to save the rest of his species from extinction. However, he failed to empathize with other animal species, seeing the horned frog as rightful king of nature, and therefore could not ethically continue his environmental science pursuit. He switched to a BFA in theatre, but constantly found himself typecast, of course always playing the fun, popular male love interest.

         He took some time off to do modeling work, frequently appearing in TCU Magazine and The Skiff. He auditioned for America’s Top Model season two, but Tyra Banks said she didn’t see enough variety in his face. “He’s kind of just got that one face,” Tyra said. “I couldn’t get him to smile with his eyes.”

        SuperFrog quickly returned to the school he loves and began pursuing a major in nutrition, so he could learn how to keep up his SuperThick figure. However, some of his professors worry SuperFrog is just not taking his classes seriously. “He seems to think college is a game. He needs to grow up,” said his Contemporary Issues in Nutrition professor.

        SuperFrog has also had a difficult time completing his core requirements. Not only does he feel the university is forcing him to take classes he is not interested in, but one of the most difficult classes he has had to take is Oral Communication. He has taken the class 13 times and failed each time. SuperFrog knows exactly what he wants to say in his speeches, but he is unable to articulate his thoughts into words.

        This struggle is a common problem for SuperFrog. It’s not that he’s shy: he is an extrovert who frequently traverses the stands at games, meeting new people. He simply doesn’t talk, which has often hurt him when it comes to his participation grade. Though it’s not always SuperFrog’s fault, because his professors put in the participation grade right at the end of the semester. With no warning! Some of his professors don’t even use D2L!

       However, after all this time, many professors feel that SuperFrog deserves to graduate. “He may not be the best student,” said one professor, “but SuperFrog has been an integral part of this university for decades. He deserves to walk that stage.”

       His Oral Communication professor has set up extra office hours to teach SuperFrog sign language, so he can perform his required speeches. His nutrition professor is allowing SuperFrog to focus his studies on harvester ants and grasshoppers, his main diet. The university has purchased special chairs with pockets to accommodate SuperFrog’s spikes and has hired a tutor to teach SuperFrog while he travels for games. Now, SuperFrog is on track to graduate in May 2020.

     Campus will be a little lonelier next fall. “A way with words!” said Chancellor Boschini about the beloved mascot. SuperFrog may be graduating, but the campus will never forget the impact he’s made on every single Horned Frog.