Sportsball by JP Calixto

Ladies and gents, boys and girls, people of all nations, relations, and creeds! It’s that time of year again! Welcome to this wonderful report on something special that we all know and love: SPORTSBALL!!! I’m your host, Kent Caide, and today we’ll be giving you a rundown on what’s been happening in our favorite old sport.

To start us off, the weather has been anything but fair for the last several months. Raging heat, bitter winter, and gales of wind have made it difficult for our local team, the Perrywinkles, to storm the field. Instead, they’ve taken to indoor practices. Their hitting sticks are fit to swing, and they’re hitting balls into nets and hoops in preparation for their next game.

As it happens folks, that game is tonight! And boy, is it a doozy. The Perrywinkles are facing off against their rival Forest Greens in a home game. That’s right, you can go back and read that again. The Perrywinkles are having a showdown with the Forest Greens in a home game. With at least a mildly decent chance of a good temperature when the sun sets, the two teams are ready to rumble. Our ‘Winkles are still smarting over that major upset last season, with the Greens barely eking out a win by the time the buzzer hit 0 seconds. Oh, that just hurts to even type it out.

Seeing how this is such a momentous occasion, we’re pulling out all the stops and bringing out every tradition we have in the book. Every Perrywinkler coming to watch is encouraged to wear their shirts backwards in honor of Number 72’s flipped jersey championship win. Don’t forget to sing the bridge of our fight song whenever its second down, and to let loose a wolf howl at every third goal! Most important, though: wear your war antlers. The Perrywinkles have never lost a home game when all members have donned them, and tonight should prove no different (need I remind you of the near loss of ‘83)? Of course, I have no doubt the Greens will be concocting all sorts of savage rituals to combat our tried and true traditions. We’ll show them!

As to what the game itself will look like, I can give you all at home some juicy details. Both ends of the green have been mowed, striped, and painted. Each stadium seat has been meticulously cleaned and set up with a game towel and complementary puck, and the ball sits neatly in the center of the field. Coach Koach is out there right now, running our ‘Winkles through the plans. I managed to snatch enough of his time to ask a question.

The question? “What do you think will happen tonight, Coach?”

His answer: “Who are you? What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get lost, I don’t have time for this! Go on, git! We’ve got some forest that needs chopping.”

If that wasn’t inspirational, I don’t know what is, ya’ll. So that about wraps things up for this report! The next one will come after our inevitable win, and I expect to see each and every one of you all at the stadium to cheer our girls and guys on. Remember, ‘Antler On!”

Kent Caide, signing off.