Brianna Harkins, Senior Writing major from Fort Worth, TX.
Captain Ahab was Herman Melville’s bitch,
Stuck in that boat, searching for a whale
That refused a mere bloated existence.
A white whale to match his white ass.
Voyage on, voyage on, pay him with
Tobacco and blubber and teeth.
Moby Dick Van Dyke clicks his dentures
At Mary Poppins’ bloomers. The ol’ biddy
Refuses to cinch her skirts with
A girdle, poppin’ sugar pills well
Before buttered biscuits. Shoulda known her ass
Was fake—no umbrella can carry that weight.
That freak Witch of the West only existed
In pretty Dorothy’s hay fever dream. Snarling
Piggies snipped her ruddy heels, their rumps
Bumping rumps, seducing Toto and the bitches
Next door. Dorothy finds her purpose
In womenswear and men’s half-wits.
If Charlotte hadn’t been a spider with
Fancy feet, farmers would’ve ended her existence.
Only eight legs and a silken ass can praise a wailing
Runt sucking on duck eggs and rat teeth.
Fern’s dad thought she was a little bitch
For choosing a pig’s heart over bacon.
If Violet Beauregarde had just been a peach
Maybe she wouldn’t have been squeezed with
Gloop, Salt, Teavee—all them lil’ snitches.
Willy Wonka was lucky Oompa Loompas existed
Or those shits for parents would’ve kicked in his teeth
Long before Charlie wound up in Wonka’s will.
Alice cried enough to drown a whale—
After all, eating all those pastries gave her a fat ass,
And drinking tea and tonic rotted her baby teeth.
That’s what she gets for trippin’ shrooms with
Strangers. Mad as a Hatter, chasing rabbit feet,
She still outwitted that red-hearted queen B.
Remember, don’t keep company with whales or witches.
Bite your tongue, clench your jaw—don’t be a bitch.
Be kind and rewind, asshole. Keep it hella real.