Vanessa Winders, Junior Writing major from Atlanta, TX.
What are we but a society that has lost sight of what love is,
We love things we should not.
And we revel in the corruption of that love.
We are Tumbler,
And we love those that other will not.
Oh, Sexy man, creation of our own design!
The mass media will never understand.
Why, when none of you were ever real people?
Expect for Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cucumber-batch,
But that was more the characters you both played.
Loki you may be a trickster but your fashion and wicked grin.
Oh, how you make all the edgy teens who shop for your merch swoon.
Sherlock you may be a prick but dam,
How we revel in your deductive reasoning.
And who could forget the King of the Pumpkin patch himself.
Oh, Jack Skeleton ruler of all things Halloween and savior of Hot Topic revenue,
Your boney long-ness and black suits decorate all the walls and dressers.
Of any and all emo and goth middle school girl’s rooms
A phase we all may regret but never forget.
Tumblr, Tumblr, how you twist and turn the emotions of your users.
Your algorithm is nonexistent and your history almost undatable.
And yet your phenomenon of sexification continues.
Characters that are not even humanoid are not immune from your twisted love,
Nor has their lack of actual cannon design have ever stood in your way.
Wheatly, little psycho robot orb,
Creation of Valve,
secondary antagonist of Portal
The only thing you have going for you is your voice but dam.
It has not stopped the artist or their overactive imaginations.
Cecile of Night vale, you may only have a voice but just like Wheatly,
You’ve met with the same terrible fate.
Even Doctor Octopus our most beloved of Spiderman villains,
The superior doctor has been sexyfied,
You may never have a canonical love interest,
But the masses of internet fangirls will always adore you and your giant robot arms.
Tony The Talking Clock, how the heck did you all collectively decide to do this?!
Who took a look at a talking clock and saw boyfriend material!
Bill Cipher, megalomaniac, and ultimate creation of Alex Hirsh,
even your triangle-ness,
Could not save you from the masses of sick adoration.
For your twisted vocals and dapper bowtie,
May you live on infamy and internet lore as an unprecedented event!
Megamind of Megamind you were a little late to the show.
Almond Cookie of Cookie Run, you’re a tasty little snack.
Junkrat from Overwatch, you’re a huge piece of trash.
Black Hat of Villainous, you dapper little bastard.
Komaeda from Danganronpa, get help please.
Slenderman of Slenderman, go back to 2009 where you belong.
Bruno of Encanto you poor sweet wall space crazy uncle.
We don’t talk about the Onceler anymore!
But I think Dr. Suess would want it that way!
Ingo of Pokémon who was also kind of late to the game,
Spamton of Delta Rune, the spamy-ist of spam.
Purple Guy, really FNAF, really! The serial killer, really!
Alister of Hazbin Hotel it was the voice isn’t it?
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
Tim Burton’s second contribution to this remarkable cast of cursed characters.
All have surpassed their original source material and have achieved fame,
Fame beyond what is probably deserved but none the less real.
Regan of Mob Psycho, you who came out of nowhere and challenged,
The longest of longstanding of these sexy man.
You who has carried anime dub into a new era.
You who has no actual psychic powers to speak of but can go toe to toe with the best,
May your achievements be known as you have finally achieved meme status.
Sans mother effing Undertale, you who have plagued the internet.
since you were first unleased onto the public in 2015
You who surpassed Jack Skeleton as most known internet skeleton.
You who was crowned ultimate Tumblr Sexy man in front of
200,000 something twitter users in the semi annule tournament.
Oh, how your creator Toby Fox revels in your twisted popularity.
Snape, Severus Snape,
The OG, the original before even Tumbler was in its conception.
You who set the precedent, the standard,
May your likeness never fade from memory.
As you have outlived the middle school crush phase.
As you have immortalized Alan Rickman,
Into the minds of all young adults still obsessed with Harry Potter for some reason.
May you stand above all as the founding father,
May your infamy know no bounds,
The catalyst of this phenomena.
The original Tumblr Sexy Man.