While TCU has always prided itself on its small campus status, recently the population has nearly tripled due to a lawsuit brought against the university by the ruling Chieftain of the TCU Parents Association. The organization accused the administration of neglecting devoted parents and demanded to be classified as part of the student population; their triumph expanded the official population from around 10,000 to over 30,000 students. With the sudden increase in students, TCU is expecting to accommodate accordingly. Students should brace themselves for a new wave of construction meant to shelter the burgeoning populace. Classrooms will be enlarged so parents can attend class with their students, and campus housing will also undergo exponential changes to make them parent-friendly, allowing many parents to come live with their students on campus. The administration is aware that many students come from far away, and so they have decided to invest in technological research centers geared towards inventing instantaneous transportation devices and interactive hologram machines so no parent will feel left out of their child’s education. Much to the joy of students, the funds will not come from an increased tuition. Instead, TCU has decided to cut funding from most non-Greek organizations to allow for this new endeavor.
“Are there even any non-Greek students?” asked TCU Financial Delegator Joe White when asked if there would be backlash from the non-Greek community at a local press conference announcing the changes.
Parents are reportedly thrilled with their newfound inclusion. Thanks to new dorm monitors, parents can now check in on their students through a video camera installed in every room, and software installed on each student’s phone will consistently shock the student any time they decline a call from their mom or dad.
“I’m so grateful for this opportunity to grow closer to my kid, as I don’t think we had enough time to bond for the first 18 years of his life,” said Horned Frog parent Martha Washburn.
Any parents who would like to know more about the new arrangements, or become more involved in their students lives are directed to the TCU Parents Association Facebook page. The community of parents has formed a support system; sharing articles like “Loneliness is Coming to Town,” “Help! I Think My Kid is Gay”, and “Making Sure the Empty Nest Doesn’t Turn Into an Empty Heart” and other helpful tips to ease the pain of losing a child to college. However, the page is expected to evolve with the increasing amount of access parents have into their students’ adult lives.
We have not received any comments from students on the matter, but are expecting rioting very soon.