“Winter is Coming”

As each day comes to a close, TCU students have become more aware of the approaching winter and the primal fear attached to it. One more radical student has taken up arms against Mother Nature…with superglue.

In a heroic act to stop winter altogether Joe Shmoe, graduating senior from Sunnyvile, CA, has begun supergluing leaves back onto trees. We caught up with this student outside the Library to better understand his mission. He had this to say:

“People told me I when I started gluing the leaves back up that I was crazy, but this is important for me, the students, and really the world. I’m showing people that nature can’t control me. I really just want people to look at me and think; “Wow there’s a guy who cares about preventing winter, ” then maybe, just maybe, other people will join in and we can finally put a stop to winter altogether.”

TCU’s administration has shown increasing support for this project as more and more students Twitter at  high ranking officials in what some people might say is an unconventional. Finally one TCU administrator broke university protocol and had this to say, they asked to have their identity off the record. could   “Enough is enough” says one TCU  administrator, who believes that decisive action is needed now. “This student’s campaign against the atrocity of Texas’s horrific winters is and will continue to be inspiring. As an administration  but while America is in political upheaval he is creating real tangible change, one tree at a time.

The TCU contracted construction company, Linbeck, has been instructed by the TCU administration  to assist in maximizing leaf supergluing efforts. Within the coming weeks a full scale operation will be implemented into daily life. The inconvenience will both be substantial and expensive  to the  students moving between classes and their dorms, however.   

After TCU consulted the chief meteorologist at Fort Worth Meteorological Center, Boschini relayed to the school’s student body that this winter will range in temperatures as low as 70 degrees with a wind chill as low as 65 degrees. He followed up by saying “Don’t panic, just calm down.” Mass hysteria ensued.

In a press conference earlier today Chancellor Boschini responded to the growing winter hysteria:

He paused dramatically before saying: “Winter is coming.” A rough harshness echoed in his voice “It is going to be one of the longest and darkest winters to date and we as an administration are exploring numerous options to keep our student body happy and healthy.”

The students last hope is Boschini’s experimental winter programs. After speaking with the man himself, we can give a brief overview for what TCU students should expect to see.

  • A speaker system will be installed across campus to replace the sounds of local wildlife, while they hibernate.
  • A wide range of plastic flowers will be planted across campus and then subsequently covered in a fragrant spray
  • The TCU Counseling center will be offering “healing sessions” for any students that feel traumatized by the weather. Additionally the TCU Rec Center has offered to extend its outdoor pool hours till late November.

These are just some of the initiatives that the administration has cooked up with the student’s best interests in mind. There are more rumors circulating campus of one initiative to cover campus in a giant thermodynamic bubble effectively separating TCU from the rest of the world. This rumor has coincided with a rumors of a fall concert students will actually go to, but both seem unlikely.